I've been thinking

Hello blog world and blog friends. It's been a while.
I kind of miss you. Miss this place. Miss the joy. Miss the friendships.
But my heart's not been in the right place, I've been dealing with some issues, not pretty fun issues but heart ugly, weed pulling, soul searching, tear crying issues. Maybe some post baby syndrome, a little desperate, a lot sleep deprived. So a step back, a step away seemed like a good idea. Time to reevaluate, check myself, my motives, my heart.

Being confronted daily with your own internal ugliness is a hard thing. Makes you cringe and makes you want to hide away from it. I'm hoping that maybe by coming back, trying again that I can confront what's bothering me and chop it's ugly head off and move on.
I really hope that is the case.
I've been thinking about my reasons for starting to blog in the 1st place, those many years ago. I wanted friendship and a community. I was a young mother with a toddler at home all day with very few friends and none my age or with kids my daughters age. I also started it to keep our far away family up-to-date with pictures of Olivia and our daily life. Somewhere along the line, I sort of lost track of one of those reasons and the other seems to have somewhat slipped away, unwillingly, from me.

Time, perhaps, to rewind. Start the tape again. Maybe, just maybe, put in a different tape.
Listen to a different tune.
Maybe, look inside myself for what I'm searching for instead of waiting for other outside people to fill it.
Because if I wait for someone else, I maybe left waiting all my life.

Part of me is very sad, a dream or a hope lost. Or if not lost, then set aside for the time being.
I read a quote a while ago that said, "Sometimes we expect more from others because we would be willing to do that much for them" and I had to add "or because we have done that much for them" because I have felt that way so much in the past few months. And when your heart hurts because of pain, real or imagined, caused by other people, your tendency is to shut down. But when that pain is possibly caused mostly in your own head and you walk away from the situation without ever saying anything and they don't. even. know. Who are you hurting besides yourself?

So, time to stop hurting myself. Time to step back into doing something that I love to do, and maybe this time, make it better and more about me doing what I need to do for my own self than doing what is always about other.
Sounds selfish, right? Maybe. But I so hope not. Not really. Not in the long run.
I hope I'm back. For good. For better. For myself and not for anything else.

And who knows? Maybe this time I'll find what I'm looking for.

#8

Somewhere along the line, my baby turn 8. How did this happen and where have those years gone??? I look at her and see a girl, almost eye to eye with me, a head full of dreams, a love for big words, and a wild spirit inside. She wants to go to New York and be a famous writer (thank you, Little Women!) yet she wants to stay at home and be a mommy, "just like you" she says. She pushes buttons that I didn't even know I had and sends me to the edge of my limit almost daily but she has the biggest heart for people and especially babies and pregnant ladies (midwife in the making?) She can read for hours on end, anything from H. A. Rey and Richard Scary to Rudyard Kipling and Carolyn Keene. She generally has 4-5 books all going at the same time. She's passionate about history and science. She loves to help cook and pretends to dance like Shirley Temple (generally in our driveway while all the neighbors are out.) She is feisty and full of energy. Her smile is like a sun ray. I get so tickled when I see her wink at me across the room (yes, I do know who she got that from) and she has an affinity for making her little sister scream. She's obessed at the moment with figure skating and starts lessons next Saturday. She thinks boys are "crazy and naughty" yet she spends a lot of time playing with them. She plays hard with her "best" friend and they stick to each other like glue, holding hands and whispering in each others ear, giggling, and even with a secret hand shake.

We were so blessed 8 years ago to have her join our little family. She made us go from "you and me" to "us." Our first baby, our first everything. What a ride it's been. God's been so gracious.

birthday muffins

cupcake topper mess

toppers and labels

play dough party favors

birthday gifts

unwrapping

wrappings and ribbon

before it was packed up to take to the park

coconut cake, topped

gf cupcakes for our gluten intolerant friends

plates, napkins, straws, and favors

a happy birthday girl

crazy candles

all lit up (and I don't mean the cake)

March 10 on 10

I actually remembered it was the 10th this morning and I actually took 10 pictures during the day. Such an accomplishment for me. :) Maybe I can do it again next month. We'll see.













7:10 - 1st thing of the day is always a diaper change
8:10 - building castles with the blocks
9:10 - breakfast making
10:10 - baby boy taking a nap
11:10 - cutting out a quilt from vintage sheets
12:10 - Daddy enjoying snuggle time with Samuel during lunch
1:10 - new TOM's
2:10 - a treat at Starbuck's
I took a break here while we were at Target and the grocery store.
5:10 - signs of spring in the neighborhood
6:10 - dinner cooking, Chinese chicken soup

Let us give thanks

Life has it's moments around here. My friend Leslie calls them highs and lows. Moments that I'm not so happy about and would like to hit the rewind button on and then moments that I want to hold and treasure forever, someone please find me a pause button.

We had a moment a few days ago. Messes, huge messes, were made... All over the kitchen floor, sink, counter, coffee table, stains on the carpet, couch, and throw pillows. Almost simultaneously in the pursuit of one thing... A low was reached. Not a good low or a pleasant reaction.
I was so tired and tired can translate into angry some days.
In the midst of frustrated orders, "wipe of that water, pick up all the apple peels, put all the strawberry tops in the compost bucket, get the mop, wipe up the mess, take off the slipcover, get every dish and bowl out of the living room...." I felt a little pat on my leg. She's looking up at me, me so angry...so upset, telling her "Do you understand me???" and she says, "momma, I just want you to be happy."

Stop. Take a moment. Breath. Be thankful.

We'll try again tomorrow, expectations lower, kids knowing that eating strawberries in the living room = not a good idea, patience and smile intact, praying for grace, remembering to give thanks in everything.

(that night I had a dream that my mom didn't like the way I was talking to my kids so she sent me to my room for time out. The room was ugly and full of 80's style furniture. I got mad and threw a full blown 2 year old style temper tantrum complete with tears, stamping feet, and slamming doors. I decided that since I was an adult and could drive I would steal the family car and run away from home, then I discovered I couldn't fit through the window. So I rearranged the furniture instead and sorted through tubs of hand-me-down baby clothes for Samuel and Sadie-Rose. Random I know, but I felt much better when I woke up except I was still kind of upset at my mom for sending me to my room.)


Good things, beautiful moments, highs happen around here too. 100's made on a spelling test, homemade hot chocolate for lunch, blueberry muffins, thank you cards being written, small little Valentine's crafts being made, curly little girl piggy tails. Last night was one of those "pause" moments. Dinner was in the oven, Samuel was asleep in his bouncy seat, the girls were painting together at the table sharing so nicely, Mike was reading Mother Earth News, Vivaldi's Four Seasons was playing quietly and I was able to sit with them all and finish cutting out letters for a V-Day banner. Bliss.

If nothing else, I know that being a stay at-home-mommy will teach me that every day requires prayer...lots of it. every.single.moment. Sometimes moment by moment. Hitting my knees to plead for grace and peace, for patience and joy, learning that most times I can't carry this on my own. Learning and re-learning that it's not my strength, but His. Turning these kids over to Him and remembering that He's in control. Theses days may be hard, but they are short and sweet and ever so blessed and worth every sleepless night.

Who's "she?"

Last night when Mike came home from work he told me that he finally felt tired. All the nights of broken sleep had finally caught up with him and he was so thankful for his thermos of chai tea, several packets of Emergen-C, and for taking his B vitamins at lunch, otherwise he apparently wouldn't have survived the afternoon. All I could do was look at him and shake my head.

Sadie-Rose is still working on this new adventure of sleeping in a big girl bed.
For awhile Mike and I were getting up to comfort her 5-6 times a night.
(This did no include baby boy feedings and changings and burpings and crib lying downs.)
We thought we had come up with a clever solution
by having Olivia slip into bed with her after she had fallen asleep.
It was working rather well
and we were only getting up 1-2 times a night with her,
until last night.
(The novelty of sleeping with another person in the bed had worn off
and Olivia has fallen back into her bed-hogging ways.)
Around 11:30 last night I was woken from a dead sleep
by the heart-broken cries of a little girl.
I reached over to wake Mike and all I could say was,
"She's crying."
His response was, "huh? Who's 'she?'"
I lay there for a second and several names ran through my head
but I knew none of them were right
so I looked up at him and said,
"I can't remember her name."


And that my friends, should be enough to let you know how little brain power he and I are functioning on right.
Pray for us...
or more for our kids! :)