Sunday, July 03, 2011

In the quiet

early saturday mornings
so quiet
sitting on the floor, folding the never ending laundry
kitchen towel, dish cloth, burp rag, little girl panties, onsie, bath towel, sock, repeat...
daddy in the arm chair rocking a sleeping girl, working on the budget
quiet murmurings so not to wake those still sleeping
"what do we need this month? are you doing this, going here? hair appts? dentist? bug man?...."

"I had this in for last month...for listing the house...I don't think we're going to do it... it's not a good time, we've missed the peak....should we take it out?"
"I think so"
"that means another year...are you ok with that?"
"I'm ok with that...are you?"
"I think so"

a choice
the early morning sunlight on my back
wash cloth, sock, burp rag, panties, dish towel, onsie, fold, stack, repeat
stay a little longer
be at peace
after 2 years of stress and worry and frustration
I think it might be time
breath in...breath out
looking at each other across the room

making decisions together feels so good
like we're doing this marriage thing right
a reminder of being in covenant together

I can't deny that I'm a little excited
that my head isn't bubbling over with plans for the kids room to change to rooms
and hanging up my pretty things again
maybe even my curtains
and I can finally order some new pictures of us to hang on our walls
that our newest interest might actually come to being

I can most possibly guess that our decision won't make some people very happy
and all I can say is, sorry...we may have "missed" doesn't seem to be falling in line with God's plan...whatever our earthy plans and desires are.
God's timing is a funny thing. No one knows it, very few can see it, and it generally only seems to make sense afterwards, when we're looking back. I can't explain the past two years, the anticipation, the stress, the striving, the pushing, the uncertainty, the frustration. But I do know that we tried. We tried and tried and tried in every way that we knew how, to make "our plan" happen. And that door kept slamming shut and is still slamming shut. So, it's time to look for a new door. An open door. I'm ready. So ready.
I don't know why we are still here, but obviously we still have things to learn {here} and maybe people to help too. And it feels like we have been learning so very much in the past few months, it's a good feeling! So much of my personal life I shut down think we were so close...this being gone. Opportunities missed or turned down, friendships ended or pulled back from, no involvement in anything, being scared to be involved, to fall in-love with something or some place to only lose it again so quickly. Even my children possibly suffered. I wouldn't sign them up for lessons that they really wanted to take, or become involved in a group where they had friends. Sad. We were lonely and withdrawn. I personally put most of my life on hold and I came terribly close to being stagnate. I don't want want to ever be that close again, because a stagnated life is stinks. Give me a creek, a river, some fresh running water, new opportunities and things to learn and I'm happy, oh so happy. We all are. And I think we're there again and we're looking for more. It's exciting and it's happy. For all of us.
I think we owe it to ourselves, to our kids, to live life. A happy life, a busy life, a fulfilled life. Spending time wishing for a different one doesn't make anyone happy and I'm pretty sure the Father shakes his head at us for not being greatful for the life that He has already given us. When I get to the end of my life, I don't want to look back and realize all the time I wasted, waiting for something to happen and not living life right. now. to it's fullest. I want to have used up every great and precious and beautiful and meaningful moment. To have used it up and wore it out and squeezed every delightful drop of living out of my life.

So, peace.
It's here again
in our home
our life
our daily walk
and I'm so very very thankful

the pictures don't have anything to do with the post,
just me messing around with the camera one day


Nikki said...

Really, really love this post. I "get" it. I've spent soooooo much of my life "on hold" because I was totally focused on The Next Big Thing, too busy trying to reach it to enjoy NOW. This is one of my biggest struggles, and definitely one of my biggest regrets. I still fight this much. Every day. I totally know what you mean about shutting down and refusing current opportunities because you're afraid of the pain of saying goodbye, so you just choose not to open yourself to those possibilities. I've done that so many times. And I've always--always--regretted it.
So glad for you and your family, that you have peace now, that you're choosing to put down roots and trust that if God transplants you, He'll do it gently. Happy 4th of July!

Jenni~ Lana Bella said...

moving around as much as we do I totally understand it. after my lovely friendships with y'all in SC i didn't let myself get close in baltimore. I worked I closed myself off and i understand completely. I'm ready, craving friendships again and having such a hard time here. I don't know where to start looking even so if you happen across someone with ties to miami please send them my way.

miss you my darling friend.

kt mac said...

so glad to hear you guys have come to this decision together and are happy about it. I hate hate being 'stuck in limbo' this happened with mum and dads house to!

did I ever tell you after 6 years of trying to sell they finally finally got an offer the day before the wedding?? crazy!

now go crazy and join some club lol!

Lisa said...

I wanted to tell you, dear heart, welcome back. And Happy Birthday. And I love the peace and calm that's written all over this post. And all over you.

Leslie said...

love this fairlight.
feel your calm in it..
and limbo is hard...
been there..

and I think this release this letting it go.. sometimes lends huge results..

love your heart fairlight.. love your calm spirit...

nodded through a lot of this... thank you for being open to share it.

The Yellow Door Paperie said...

We had a cross-country move planned this year that fell through. I so echo what you've written here. We pulled back from friendships because we knew we were leaving.

But we've stayed where we are and we're connecting to community again. And somehow it feels like a new place.

Thank you for your words.

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