Tuesday, June 28, 2011

I've been thinking

Hello blog world and blog friends. It's been a while.
I kind of miss you. Miss this place. Miss the joy. Miss the friendships.
But my heart's not been in the right place, I've been dealing with some issues, not pretty fun issues but heart ugly, weed pulling, soul searching, tear crying issues. Maybe some post baby syndrome, a little desperate, a lot sleep deprived. So a step back, a step away seemed like a good idea. Time to reevaluate, check myself, my motives, my heart.

Being confronted daily with your own internal ugliness is a hard thing. Makes you cringe and makes you want to hide away from it. I'm hoping that maybe by coming back, trying again that I can confront what's bothering me and chop it's ugly head off and move on.
I really hope that is the case.
I've been thinking about my reasons for starting to blog in the 1st place, those many years ago. I wanted friendship and a community. I was a young mother with a toddler at home all day with very few friends and none my age or with kids my daughters age. I also started it to keep our far away family up-to-date with pictures of Olivia and our daily life. Somewhere along the line, I sort of lost track of one of those reasons and the other seems to have somewhat slipped away, unwillingly, from me.

Time, perhaps, to rewind. Start the tape again. Maybe, just maybe, put in a different tape.
Listen to a different tune.
Maybe, look inside myself for what I'm searching for instead of waiting for other outside people to fill it.
Because if I wait for someone else, I maybe left waiting all my life.

Part of me is very sad, a dream or a hope lost. Or if not lost, then set aside for the time being.
I read a quote a while ago that said, "Sometimes we expect more from others because we would be willing to do that much for them" and I had to add "or because we have done that much for them" because I have felt that way so much in the past few months. And when your heart hurts because of pain, real or imagined, caused by other people, your tendency is to shut down. But when that pain is possibly caused mostly in your own head and you walk away from the situation without ever saying anything and they don't. even. know. Who are you hurting besides yourself?

So, time to stop hurting myself. Time to step back into doing something that I love to do, and maybe this time, make it better and more about me doing what I need to do for my own self than doing what is always about other.
Sounds selfish, right? Maybe. But I so hope not. Not really. Not in the long run.
I hope I'm back. For good. For better. For myself and not for anything else.

And who knows? Maybe this time I'll find what I'm looking for.


Cottage Mommy said...

Well, I for one am glad to see you back posting in your little corner of the world...facebook just doesn't cut it for me...I love to see glimpses of your life and sweet family and all your goings on...but I also love how genuine you are and that you took a break because you needed it. love to you friend!

Andrea said...

So lovely to see a post from you Fairlight! Hope that you find enjoyment and peace through writing again (I find it really helps sort out thoughts sometimes!)

Leslie said...

Im with Court.. fb doesn't cut it..

Praying praying for a lot of the things you said....

and greatful that no matter what it is about blogging, I know its how I got to be connected to your sweet world and for that Im so greatful

Little Candle said...

I could so relate to what you are saying...I have missed seeing your posts. You are such a lovely woman and I wish to get to know you more. I am praying for you.

Wendi@EveryDayMiracles said...

I get it too. Praying for you and hoping that you receive fulfillment in who God made you to be, from Him.

kt mac said...

your heart was really beautiful and open in this Fair and you echoed some of the same things I've been dealing with too but not been able to put into words...
I hope your back for good too. I love this spot and you. And remember I am always only an email away to chat about anything :)


Nikki said...

Really glad you're back, Fairlight! I understand what you mean about wrestling with how/why to blog, etc....I know it's something I've wrestled with many times, and expect to face again....but I'm glad you're back. :-)

Becky said...

I can so sympathise with the quote in your blog- it's something I've tried to deal with in the last year in particular. Really glad to see you're back blogging as I love reading it!

Real Time Web Analytics