I've been thinking

Hello blog world and blog friends. It's been a while.
I kind of miss you. Miss this place. Miss the joy. Miss the friendships.
But my heart's not been in the right place, I've been dealing with some issues, not pretty fun issues but heart ugly, weed pulling, soul searching, tear crying issues. Maybe some post baby syndrome, a little desperate, a lot sleep deprived. So a step back, a step away seemed like a good idea. Time to reevaluate, check myself, my motives, my heart.

Being confronted daily with your own internal ugliness is a hard thing. Makes you cringe and makes you want to hide away from it. I'm hoping that maybe by coming back, trying again that I can confront what's bothering me and chop it's ugly head off and move on.
I really hope that is the case.
I've been thinking about my reasons for starting to blog in the 1st place, those many years ago. I wanted friendship and a community. I was a young mother with a toddler at home all day with very few friends and none my age or with kids my daughters age. I also started it to keep our far away family up-to-date with pictures of Olivia and our daily life. Somewhere along the line, I sort of lost track of one of those reasons and the other seems to have somewhat slipped away, unwillingly, from me.

Time, perhaps, to rewind. Start the tape again. Maybe, just maybe, put in a different tape.
Listen to a different tune.
Maybe, look inside myself for what I'm searching for instead of waiting for other outside people to fill it.
Because if I wait for someone else, I maybe left waiting all my life.

Part of me is very sad, a dream or a hope lost. Or if not lost, then set aside for the time being.
I read a quote a while ago that said, "Sometimes we expect more from others because we would be willing to do that much for them" and I had to add "or because we have done that much for them" because I have felt that way so much in the past few months. And when your heart hurts because of pain, real or imagined, caused by other people, your tendency is to shut down. But when that pain is possibly caused mostly in your own head and you walk away from the situation without ever saying anything and they don't. even. know. Who are you hurting besides yourself?

So, time to stop hurting myself. Time to step back into doing something that I love to do, and maybe this time, make it better and more about me doing what I need to do for my own self than doing what is always about other.
Sounds selfish, right? Maybe. But I so hope not. Not really. Not in the long run.
I hope I'm back. For good. For better. For myself and not for anything else.

And who knows? Maybe this time I'll find what I'm looking for.